This is attempt #5 of this post, and a lot has happened between when I started it on November 30th and now. I thought about scraping the whole thing and starting over, but you all appreciate how raw I am with these, so I will leave it as is. During my last session with my counselor, she said something to me that is sticking with me, and I do not know how to process it. She said, "Liz, you have so much trauma in your past that you are still trying to understand and deal with, and I think the trauma from your decade-long relationship is masking the deeper traumas because it is still so fresh. You are jumping from one relationship to another, and it doesn’t even matter what kind of relationship it is. You are trying to convince yourself that you need to be in some type of relationship in order to be you when the reality is you don’t. Being in a relationship of any kind or type does not define who you are. Being in a relationship of any kind does not always mean it will heal your trauma, nor does it mean that relationship will heal your trauma. You have the tools to do it; you need to do it, and I'm going to say this: you need to do it alone." She is absolutely correct; part of me hates that she is, but I mean, she is my counselor, after all. I've been thinking about what she said, and I keep replaying it over and over in my head. Maybe I am trying to convince my heart that she is right. My head says, "Yup, you might want to listen to her." My heart is like, "But we don’t like to be alone, and we need to feel wanted!"
How do I convince my heart that my head and counselor are right? I was able to forgive myself for staying in that relationship for so long and not being kind to myself. For that, my ex-bf/ex-bff (yes, ex-bff :'( ) helped so much, and I owe him so much, but my heart almost refuses to let go (of him) and the need to be in some kind of relationship. You would think that I would be used to being alone, seeing that for the majority of my decade-long relationship, I was, in fact, alone. It was different, though; yes, I was physically alone, and for the most part, emotionally and mentally, but that connection of talking every single day, almost every waking moment, made me not feel so alone. It wasn't every waking moment but a considerable amount of the day. Same with my ex-bf/ex-bff, we both absolutely loved our relationship. We talked ALL THE TIME, ALL DAY; we celebrated each other's accomplishments throughout the day, no matter how large or small they were; we motivated each other throughout the day; we were each other's person until I allowed my trauma to take control and screwed everything up. That is what I think my heart desperately wants and needs: a person. I spend more time scrolling social media now than ever before because I have no one who is my person anymore; I have no one to share anything with. My ex from my decade-long relationship wasn't my person; towards the end, if the conversation wasn't about him and his kids or something happy, I couldn’t share it with him. I couldn’t share my frustrations, bad days, or anything like that with him, but I could share it all with my ex-bf/ex-bff. He was my person, and I lost him.
He forgave me; at least, he tried to, I think. He said he did, but deep down, I don’t think he honestly could. What's one more thing to add to my list to forgive myself? He is right; I have a lot to work through, as does he (his though, are quite a bit different, but still a lot), and right now, he feels that we are best to handle it not together, not even as friends. I admit that I feel abandoned, but I cannot and will not force him to stay with me to work through our stuff; that wouldn’t be fair and would make things worse, and that is something I do not want. Above all else, I miss my best friend and want my best friend back, but I will give him the space and time he asked for. And I will pray that our friendship will find each other again one day.
Okay! I am going to close this blog here. But I will leave my other attempts below because you all love how raw I am with these.
[-I am trying to understand why this blog is taking me so long to write. As you can see below, I've attempted multiple times and need help to get my thoughts together to finish it. My mind keeps squirreling, and I write a poem, which is still just as good of an outlet as this. And I have MW to thank for that. All he did was share one of his, which surprisingly opened the floodgates for me.]
-[I have been working on this blog since Tuesday, and I want to stay on track, mainly because I need to be able to forgive myself or at least start that process. According to my counselor, I have the tools and can do it; I need to do it. I'm struggling with it so much because I have worked so hard to get past my trauma, and yet, I let it control me and my actions. Did I ever have control over it? Right now, I don't feel like I ever did; I was just able to convince myself that I did so that I could move on with my day-to-day life. Is that how it is supposed to work? Am I just supposed to convince myself that I have control? That doesn’t seem very smart. Then again, isn't that what therapy is? Convincing yourself that you can live with your demons every day so that they don't consume you? You get used to them and learn to live alongside them. My counselor would be so mad at me right now for this comment, LOL. She told me I have all the tools; I need to do it. I said that already, didn’t I? My next thing is that I was able to forgive myself not that long ago for allowing myself to be consumed for a decade; why am I having such a hard time forgiving myself for this? I mean, it's not like I allowed what happened to me to happen.]
[I need to finish my blog on Trauma; maybe that will help. I've only been working on it since… September is only a few months, lol. It's in-depth and complex, and I need to be on top of my game for that one.]
[-I finally slept a little last night, more than four hours anyway; it was close to six hours. I had to double up on my meds, but I needed the sleep. My nightmares are back, or I should say, my nightmares are overpowering my sleep meds.]
[-How do you feel about forgiveness? Do you think that it is warranted for every situation? Is forgiving someone for you or the person you are forgiving? According to Google, forgiveness is: "the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven." Google also has the "People also ask," there is this question and answer: "What is the true meaning of forgiveness?" "Forgiveness means something different things to different people. But in general, it involves an internal decision to let go of resentment and anger."]
[-Well, there you have it. But how do you forgive yourself? My counselor says that it will take time, especially for me, since mine was triggered by trauma, and that is the most complex kind to forgive. Like Google and WebMD says, "Remember the event, don't avoid the guilt, take responsibility, try to repair the damage, and have empathy for yourself." Then there is this: "How can I truly forgive myself?" "How do I let go of the guilt and forgive myself? Letting go of the guilt you often feel takes time. Focus on self-compassion, apologize if needed, and work on making amends. Instead of ruminating on feelings of guilt, focus on what you’ve learned and how you plan to do better going forward." (how do you forgive yourself - Google Search) This also aligns with what my counselor said, so I feel this approach is the one I must follow. But how? The guilt and shame I feel for allowing my trauma to have that much control over me and my actions is not OK. And that will be the biggest hurdle for me to overcome: forgiving myself for what happened to me so I can forgive myself for my actions.]
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