Strength

I have debated publishing this blog post for months, weeks, and days. But the more I sit and think about it, the more I ask myself, "What is really holding me back from publishing this?" Then I would start to think about what some might think of me for putting all my "dirty laundry" out for the world to see, then my mind would shift to every other reason my brain could come up with. But the bottom line is nothing is stopping me, and I shouldn’t be scared or worried or anything else of the sort. This is my journey toward healing; this is MINE and no one else's. I would like you to read through it, and let's discuss it openly. All of it. I am not shy or ashamed anymore. Reading this, and having a discussion about it, might help someone else by learning they are not alone. It may give that one person the strength they need to continue on. March 16, 2023, 10:03 am (my divorce anniversary date, as it so happens) To say that I have had enough would be an understatement. I used to cave in and give up. His mental abuse tore me down, and I spiraled into a deep depression. I used to question everything, sometimes, even my reason for being alive. I was never suicidal, but with the mental abuse, I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. Seven years married, but I finally had the courage to leave after 3. I am absolutely not saying I was 100% innocent, but at least I wasn’t verbally abusive like you. I was struggling with my demons and was told I was worthless and to get over it because he was tired of my emotional b.s. I was assaulted and told it was my fault and that I was stupid. I was called lazy and a bad mother; you said you were a single parent because I did nothing but lay around all day. It didn’t matter that I was cooking, cleaning, running the kids to daycare, and doing everything else to keep the house looking nice. You told your friends that you had me trained and that I was too dumb to question anything. To this very day, you continue to blame me, saying our marriage ended because of my actions. I cheated; yes, I was vulnerable, hurting so much, and you continued to belittle me and what I was dealing with. I turned to someone I thought I could trust and made a bad choice. Before I could gather up the courage to tell you, you violated my privacy by reading through my therapy journal and proceeded to yell and scream at me and say some pretty, highly hurtful things. Then proceeded to force me to sleep with you, so you could feel better about the whole situation because, as you said, that was my job to make you feel better. You secretly gave money to a girl in another state to “help her and her kids” while they struggled. Yet your computer was full of naked pictures of her. You gave her so much money that our house was being foreclosed… while you were away at school. You did absolutely nothing to help save the house. While you were away at school, you continued giving her money and told me to deal with it. You refused to help me, saying it was my problem. While you were gone, I finally had the courage and the strength to do what I should have done months before. I went on post and took out an emergency relief loan, paid off the debt to save the house, packed up the kids and me, and all we had, secured an apartment and left. Years later, and I’m talking almost a decade later, you have decided to play the victim and portray me as the bad guy keeping you from our child. You say I am being unreasonable and vindictive because I refuse to allow you to belittle or speak to me like you used to. Because I now have the strength to stand up for myself. Even after I left, you continued with your abuse. You attempted, and succeeded a few times, at using my son and our child against me. But no more. No more am I allowing you to treat me or us as you used to. No more am I allowing you to do to our child what you did to me. No more am I allowing you to guilt trip our child into doing what you want. NO MORE. You have broken our child’s heart for the last time. MY CHILD DESERVES THE WORLD AND TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED AS THEY ARE! My children deserve an understanding, compassionate, loving, and strong mother, and that is what I am giving them. I am not perfect; I still struggle every day. But we are surrounded by such a wonderful and loving support system, and because of that, we are happy and thriving. And we will continue to thrive; no matter what, I will protect my children until my last breath. So continue to come at me, threaten me, and play the victim; you no longer have power over me, over us. I forgave you some time ago for all that you did to me, but I have yet to forgive you for what you put our child thru-that day will come in time. I am stronger than I used to be, and don’t you ever forget that.