I woke up several times throughout the night deep in thought, but there was so much going on in my head, I can't pinpoint which was keeping me up. I do not think it was a nightmare, although I am fairly certain my nightmares are back; I am assuming my meds are keeping them at bay. I keep looking up what causes nights like this, and there are so many variables. Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) is definitely one of them, and that I do have and take medication for, but I know that's not it, as long as I take my med at the right time, it keeps my RLS in check. I don't have a sleep disorder (that I know of, anyways), I do have anxiety and PTSD, so with process of elimination, I guess that would be it. Something just feels off though, because I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD in 2017 and by 2019, I was able to come off some of my medications, that was a huge achievement for me.
This picture speaks volumes and how a lot of us feel. My best friend told me last night that I am still not over my past traumas, that I haven't actually been able to deal fully and heal from them. She's right, she is absolutely right. The death of my cousin, aunt, best friend, all the Soldier's I've lost throughout my almost 17 years in the Army, being assaulted, harassed, it's been a lot. I know I am not the only one, and I've gained some amazing friends through shared experiences, and we have most definitely helped each other with healing and processing. But those demons are still there, and I know they will always be there, and as hard as it may be, I have to come to terms with them and figure out a way to live with them, but not let them take over. I need to practice Mindfulness more; I need to accept and acknowledge my demons.
Should I really be referring to my thoughts as demons? Does giving them that name give them more power, and that is why we struggle and what keeps us up at night? But, if we don't give them a name, how do we differentiate between them to focus on them? I know for me, when I am having a bad day, I become consumed by them, and they all seem to join together to gang up on me. All of them, at the same time, together. It feels like my mind and spirit are being attacked over and over with negative thoughts of failures and self-doubt, so much so, that the smallest or slightest thing sends me over the edge. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever felt so defeated by your demons; that your entire body feels completely drained; no energy, your body aches like you've been punched repeatedly, over and over until it goes limp. To where you are scared to close your eyes at night for fear they attack you in your sleep; so, you stare at your phone and watch TikTok videos to stay awake.
Yet, somehow, you manage to wake up, put on a smile and "fake it till you make it" as the saying goes. What's unhealthier? Faking it to make it through, or dealing with your demons head on and feeling beat down and drained? Or, better yet, which is healthier? Faking it, or dealing with them? I guess this is where the "is the glass half full or half empty" comes into play. The more optimism you have, the better, I imagine, but even that can sometimes seem fake.
Then, and we certainly cannot forget, the "friends" that enable and makes these feelings worse. It's almost like they feed off them and they make you feel guilty for neglecting them. Everything is all about them and how you are feeling is nothing compared to how you are making them feel. Did you ever have a "friend" like that? I use the quotes because those individuals are not real friends, they are fake and pretend friends that do more harm than good. I've had a few like this, and when I finally had the strength to cut them out of my life, as respectfully as possible, how dare I treat them that way. How dare I guard myself and not let you use my demons against me! You have some who take that and walk away, then you have some, like I currently have, that continue to put your name in their mouth to any and all who listen. It is exhausting, this vicious cycle of never-ending demon attacks. I know the saying goes that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" but how much is too much? It takes so much energy for some to find the strength to carry on, and on top of fighting our own demon battles, we now have physical demons who continue to cut us down.
When will it stop?!
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