Why do we self-sabotage? What the hell does that even mean? I may finally have something good, or who knows, but whatever it is and wherever it goes, I'm happy and enjoying myself, so why… why in the f*ck did I overthink and try to sabotage? Is it because it feels too good to be true, and I had to push it a bit to see if it was? So, according to Google, this is what self-sabotaging relationships mean: “Self-sabotaging is a set of behaviors that are conscious or unconscious which can result in the ending of a relationship. Self-sabotage can come from past experiences that cause a person to be mistrustful of others. With it comes a fear of getting hurt, which might happen if someone stays in a relationship." With that definition and what happened last night, I guess it makes sense why I did/said what I did. I'm angry at myself; it wasn’t warranted, and I almost ruined a good thing. I say almost because he did what I didn’t expect him to do. When I went on my rant about how I was struggling, it wasn’t fair that I was dumping all this on him, even though it took weight off my shoulders and helped me considerably. I kept telling him he deserved better and not have to deal with me and my demons… I went on a self-pity rant; it was a bad night, and I let my head go back in time. This is what he said/did, "babe, stop. I'm not going anywhere. I know you're struggling, and I am glad you are sharing your pain with me. I am here for you, and again, stop it, I'm not going anywhere. I understand you're in pain and if you need time to think and just be you or do you, then fine, do it, I will support you, and I will be here if and when you need me. But stop this. We are not ending, and I am not going anywhere!" I cried; I seriously cried. I didn't know what to think or say; I'd never had that kind of support before, not from a relationship anyway. I have counseling Tuesday, and I will bring this up and see if we can shift focus a little to help me not do this, shit. At this point, I might have to go back to weekly sessions instead of every other week; there is so much I need to work on. Sigh… I don't know what to think right now. I need to figure out how to return my focus to being happy being with ME. He has given me so much motivation, encouragement, and validation. I went running yesterday, the first time since my hip replacement and I did it wearing shorts and a tank top. I can’t remember the last time I wore something like that to exercise OUT IN PUBLIC. He has helped and is helping me get my self-confidence back, and man, does he get snippy if I body shame myself. It helps; when he does that, it's not mean, and he isn't doing it in a mean way; he's snapping me out of that mindset. Which, come on, let's be honest, I freaking need. With all the good that he is helping me discover (or re-discover), why do I continue to try to self-sabotage this? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Letting go of the car, buying a new one all by myself, and saying goodbye finally, why is the pain still there, and why do I keep returning to it? Yes, it was almost an eleven-year relationship, and I loved him deeply; hell, part of me still loves him, and I think that part always will. Did I jump too soon into trying to date? Should I have tried to deal with the pain differently before trying to date? See, here I go again. I am overthinking instead of just enjoying what is right in front of me. Will this ever stop? Will I always do this whenever there is something good in my life? How do you get past this? I need tips and tricks; give it all to me, the good and the bad, all the criticism; I need to do better.
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