Self-Reflection and Something New!

So, it has taken me a little more time than I thought to complete this Blog post/homework. And there is a really positive reason for that. I will tell you at the end, I promise. :) As promised, let's get into my self-reflection and a bit more. And as I sit on my porch with my cup of coffee, feeling the slight breeze (which feels fantastic, by the way) and listening to the birds, I’m doing a lot of reflecting… well, trying; my thoughts are completely all over the place. ::facepalm:: In my previous blog (Some Reflecting), I said that my counselor wanted me to reflect back, dig down deep, and list 3 to 5 things that I want in a relationship and what I can bring to a relationship. Let's get started, and the best way to do this is to list out what I want and reflect/explain why at the same time. 1 -Communication Why is communication important to me? Because why wouldn’t it be? And I mean honest communication, not “I’m busy, can’t come over.” Or just none at all. My previous/current/whatever has been mostly a one-sided communication relationship for the last decade. Ok, that’s not entirely fair. In the beginning of the relationship, there was much communication; it was more the last six years or so when the communication went downhill. Basically, I was open, honest, and upfront about everything. I was very transparent, yet I barely got even an ounce of that in return. I am very open-minded and do not judge (if I do, I’ll tell you, lol). I am by no means saying you need to tell me every little deep dark secret you have or give me a play-by-play of everything going on (honestly, I absolutely HATE that), but there is no reason why you can’t be open and honest with me. I want to be able to have deep and meaningful conversations, along with fun and ridiculous ones. I don’t want to be afraid to tell you what is going on in my life, or if I had a bad day without feeling guilty for telling you. That is honestly how the last few years have been for me. Granted, both of us were struggling with mental health, but it became “if it’ll make me anxious or guilty, just don’t tell me, "And that turned into me never telling him really anything. When I tried, like testing the waters, it would go “‘I’m sorry” and NOTHING ELSE. Well, I would get the occasional “I’m sorry I’m an asshole”. I used to respond with, “No, you're not,” but reflecting back, I should have said, “Yes, you are, so stop it,” or “Yes, you are, but right now, I need you to listen and appreciate me,” or something along those lines. I should have used my voice more; I'm not saying if I had, things would have been different, but maybe I would have been stronger? 2-Time/Priority I need you to make time for me. I am not saying make me your #1 priority, but I want, no, I NEED to be A priority. In the last 5 or 6 years, I fell completely off his priority list. I was an afterthought; my children, who absolutely loved him, were an afterthought -this is what I think hurt the most: my kids were hurting. I think this part angers me the most, above all else, that he couldn’t, no wouldn’t, make me nor my kids a priority. I was always making time for him, always rearranging my schedule to fit his, but I could never get the same in return. I became the one who was always putting forth the effort. "I'll be down your way; I can rearrange my schedule and get there early to see you." *Mild disclaimer: I’m a lot angrier about all this than I realized, I do apologize for how it all sounds, but not for saying it. * 3-DON’T HIDE ME I think this is the absolute biggest one of them all for me. DON'T HIDE ME. I’ve spent that last decade being hidden from the world, and it did more damage to me than I think I ever realized. By no means am I saying to broadcast me to the world that I could give two shits about, but don’t hide me and tell me I don’t exist unless the time is right and only to certain people. Now, in the beginning of our relationship, there were circumstances that did require our relationship to remain hidden… but it continued well after that situation ended, and that was NOT ok. I am about keeping my private life private, but when you won't even let me exist, then I have a problem. Why did you, and still do, have to keep me hidden? It makes me feel like I am not good enough to be in the light and that I have to remain in the shadows. Those are my top 3 that I need to have in a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it is. If you can't give me any part of any of them, don't even waste my time. I have dealt with it all long enough and have FINALLY realized and accepted that I do not deserve any of it. Now, what can I bring to a relationship, I have also thought long and hard about it. I am a giver and a pleaser. I will always make you a priority, but not above my kids OR myself anymore. I will give you and make time for you and I will listen without judgement. I will accept you and make you feel accepted and appreciated. I will be understanding and compassionate. I will keep us private but will not hide you or make you feel like you cannot exist. I will give you my whole heart (a piece at a time) and will never lie to you. I have a huge heart, I am caring and kind, and understanding. I am worth so much more than I ever realized or accepted, and I will give it all to you if you give it to me in return. I will be your cheerleader and motivator. I will appreciate you and accept you for who you are, as you are. What I won't do, is make you feel inadequate or unappreciated. THE GOOD AND INCREDIBLE NEWS I have done a lot of self-reflection lately while writing this blog, and it has truly opened me up and opened my eyes to who I am and what I deserve. With the help of my best friends and my new boss, who is absolutely added to my best friend list, I did something I never in my life thought I would do. Watching Criminal Minds and SVU also scared me from doing it as well. LOL. I SIGNED UP FOR A DATING APP. Lol, I DID!! It was weird and scary as shit, but I did it. Within a week, only a week, I actually matched with someone. I couldn’t believe it, and I definitely wasn’t expecting it, especially because I was nervous and somewhat scared. But, when I matched, I replied to his message, and two weeks later, we are still talking and officially dating. He makes me smile and laugh all the time. He makes me feel appreciated and wanted. He listens and motivates me, he's been like my little cheerleader lol. He doesn’t call me sexy, he calls me beautiful and pretty, and that’s how I feel. He has even picked up on when my anxiety starts to get the better of me; he calls me and just tells me to breathe… and it works! He is so easy to talk to, he doesn’t judge and he actually listens and asks me about my day!!! He is a giver and a pleaser, and to be honest, I have no idea how to accept it, lol. Is that sad? I am trying to enjoy this new wild ride, and I absolutely am, but I feel so awkward about it like I don’t know how to accept that this is real, that I am actually happy. I've spent so long in the shadows that the light is somewhat blinding yet brilliant and drawing me in. So, for now, for however long or wherever this goes, I am just going to do my absolute best to enjoy the ride, and just be happy.

This is me, happy and moving on, doing what is best for me. Be true to yourself and never settle for anything less than you deserve. Know your worth and thrive!