This morning, and well, last night, I felt a sudden onset (I think) of emptiness, not loneliness, just… empty. Maybe the reality of my decision has finally set in, and I can feel the void left by it? I am not saying I am changing my mind and going back, absolutely not, but that void is consuming. I shut down last night, turned everything off, ignored everyone, and listened to my audiobook until I fell asleep. I then woke up to missed calls and messages. It’s comforting to know that there is someone out there who does care; now don’t come at me for that. I am not saying I don’t have anyone who cares, I know I do. But the one person I wanted to care and needed to care for a decade barely did and he would not have called or sent me messages to make sure I was ok. He did, and he means it. One of his texts threatened to drive up if I didn’t respond to him when I woke up. Where was that/this when I needed it? Why wasn’t I good enough to have this with the man I gave my heart to for a decade? OK, let me check myself, I WAS and AM good enough, he just wasn’t good enough to fulfill or meet my needs. Man, that feels weird saying that out loud. I am trying to tell myself daily that I am good enough, that I was good enough, like I’m trying to hype myself up lol. Some days it works, some days it doesn’t, but that is life, right? The ups and downs are what make life the wild roller coaster ride that it is. You can’t have the good without the bad, What does it mean when we feel that emptiness inside of us? What does it mean to have that void all but consume us? There is a piece missing, or something missing, from our lives and to be honest, it could be anything. A puppy, a cat, a child, a lover, a house, it could be anything. But how do we know what is it and what we need? What drives us to fill that void and how do we know when its been filled? I thought for a long time that he was the missing piece, and I truly believe that he was a piece of my heart, but not the whole thing. The love I felt for him, and that we had was tremendous, it filled us both and carried us on for a long time, but it just wasn’t enough in the end. Love takes work, on both sides, it cannot be one-sided all the time. I think I realized after I moved up here (two years ago), that I was going to be on my own, instead of him being with us. There were so many red flags and I could feel that void getting bigger and bigger, and yet, I hung on and tried to carry us both. In doing so, I lost myself in the process. That was the price I paid, and that price bled over onto my children and that is NOT OKAY. Seeing my son struggle the way he is, broke and is breaking my heart, and all I can do is support him and love him while he goes through this. He does see a counselor weekly, so don’t even start with “you should do this or that.” I am trying my best not to live in the past, and I think, for a long time, that is what I was holding onto. I knew how he was, how we were, and I was holding onto that, hoping and praying to be that again. When the reality of it is, you can’t go back, you shouldn’t go back. The past is meant to stay in the past and to be a lesson to build a better future. HA! That’s what my neck tattoo means. I remember telling my mom about it and the meaning and she said, "So it was a mistake then?” Kind of ironic when you stop and think about it, maybe I should actually listen and follow the meaning of it. Can you live and survive with that feeling of emptiness? How do you not let that void consume you and drag you down into the depths of its darkness? Someone once said to me that I fake it pretty well, and that I hide my emotions like a pro. How do you take that? In the Army, the unofficial motto is “Fake it, til you make it” cuz heaven forbid you ask for help. Even now, asking for help is almost career-ending. And in a sense, ok, I get it, we have to be mentally sound and ready at a moment's notice, but the Army is the problem, and the Army doesn’t like to acknowledge their problem. This is a bigger topic for a different day, but the problem is still systemic and I don’t think will ever fully go away, or be supported the way it needs to be. So, for now, I am going to enjoy this wild and crazy ride of enjoying my life and living it the way that makes me smile and happy. If that emptiness tries to consume me, if I start to stumble and fall into that void, I have an amazing circle of friends that I will no longer shut out, that I will no longer ignore. Because if I had listened to them in the past, I would have had the strength sooner to take that next step. The emptiness is there, that void is creeping in, but with them, I am stronger and won't fall into the temptation of the void.
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