Change, Loss, and Trauma Response

It has been a while since I've posted a blog. There are a lot of reasons why, it's not that I haven't been writing, I have actually been writing a lot. My mind has been all over the place, so what I have been writing has been more of a jumbled mess of inconsistent thoughts. This post, in particular, has taken me a while, even knowing it was inevitable. But what just transpired has caused this post to be at the forefront of my mind. Change is inevitable. Change will come no matter what we say or do or how we try to justify things. And that change can be good or bad, or just… bleh. What defines the change is how we react to it. We can choose to accept it or fight against it, but is that honestly a waste of time and energy? If you know that change will come, just let it come and, well, go with the damn flow, I guess. My boyfriend (to differentiate, I'll keep referring to him as my bf in this post) … as I've said in several past posts, it could go somewhere or nowhere, and that was ok. I have learned and grown so much these past few months; he was a major contributing factor. He helped me see and believe that I am enough, worthy, and deserve love. He showed me what being loved should look like. But all things must end at some point; if they are meant to be, they will find their way back. I screwed up, I'm not proud of myself by any means, I was scared and my trauma response kicked in. But I was also trying to protect myself. There are factors that prevent us from being any more than what we were, they could last a long time, or they could last only a few more months, regardless of those factors, I tried to protect my heart… and failed. We both knew, from the start that we could not be more, we talked about it, and how those factors could cause this to end abruptly. I knew, and I kept waiting for that pin to drop, and that prevented me from giving him my whole self. Then, those factors arose and we said goodbye, and communication stopped, but; without even realizing it, my trauma response kicked in from the pain and fear and I turned to his friend… twice. My justification? His friend was the only thing I had that connected us. So, the first time, in my head, was justified and deep down I felt guilty, but I made that choice and I had to be ok with it. Even after it was done, I texted my bf and told him we needed to talk, and I had every intention of telling him, but when we talked, we found a way to stay connected, and I buried it deep inside. But, I continued talking to his friend and did it again because, again, my trauma response. And honestly, I did not expect to see my bf again, neither of us wanted to lose the bond and friendship that grew between us, and I wanted to hold onto that. I hate using my trauma response as an excuse, but it's true. If, more when, I feel lost, scared, like I am losing control, my trauma response kicks in and I do the one thing that I feel I can control… because that control was forcibly taken from me. His friend was kind, compassionate, sweet, he didn’t judge, and I really liked talking with him. The conversations flowed and were easy. In my head, I felt justified because my bf and I could never be together, and again, I never expected to see him again. I needed to do me and be and feel free and happy, and it had been some time since he and I saw each other and were together… I was trying to protect myself. But then, we were able to see each other and I realized that I had fallen in love with him. That realization and knowing that he truly cared about me, allowed me to be completely vulnerable to and with him. Something I was never able to do with my ex (which is kind of weird). Then, yesterday, I had finally built up the courage to tell him how I felt and was working my way up to telling him what I did. His friend had asked for space so he could figure some stuff out, and I was giving it to him, but still letting him know that I was thinking about him and that I hoped he was ok. I meant it, every word, even wanting him. Then, his friend told him before I could, and he didn’t say a word to me about it, or that he was going to do it. It pissed me off sure, but when confronted, I tried to lie. I was stupid. It made no sense. This man, who has helped me so much, who was my absolute best friend, my person; we both agreed no more secrets and everything I had just said to him… I tried to lie and I hurt him. Then, I lashed out at his friend, which was and wasn't warranted. I wasn't honest with him either. I didn't lie, but I also didn’t tell him that he and I were talking again. I hurt them both. I am now deleted and probably blocked, which I deserve. I didn't try and justify what I did, because there was no point; what would it change? He wouldn’t let me apologize and I didn’t ask him for forgiveness; I accepted his anger, his hurt, and respected his wishes. I did apologize to his friend, I didn’t try and justify it with him either because again, there was no point. Neither of them deserved this. So, what happens now? Well, I have to get up, dust off my shoulders, wipe away the tears and do me, because what choice do I really have? I can't sit here and dwell on it and beat myself up about what happened, or that I lost my best friend. It hurts, it hurts so much, but I have to push the hurt deep down and move on. I have to be ok with being alone and being me. I will be ok, because I have to be, and that has to be enough.