I went to church on Sunday—a different denomination from the one where I was baptized and raised. It was… different. When I got there, I jokingly told my best friend that I didn’t burst into flames when I walked through the doors, so that was a plus, lol. It has been a long time since I've sat in a church, especially by myself. I was so scared and nervous about going. That may seem silly, but if you've followed along, you know why I haven't attended church and how difficult it has been for me. If you read my poem from yesterday, "Angel Wings," what I talk about next will make sense.
I have been so hesitant to go back to church because when I needed the church, the church failed me. As I have said many times, God did not fail me; the Catholic church did. But that one instance of failure led to a life of doubt in the Catholic church on many deep levels. That one instance of failure has shaped my life in a way that… I don't even know, to be honest. But I say again, God did not fail me; the Catholic church did, and I feel strongly about that.
I went because I feel lost and my best friend pushed me to go. And to clarify this, my best friend was my boyfriend (past few months of posts). We talked through everything, and he forgave me (I have yet to forgive myself). We decided to keep our friendship because that was important to us. That is all I will say on that- the post I was working on for all that, I can't seem to keep my head straight enough to finish it.
Back to church.
It is difficult to describe how I felt, sitting in the back, almost in the corner of the auditorium. I sat there for a few reasons, one being that I was scared and nervous, the other being that it was a different denomination, and I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. With the events that transpired after attending church, I felt strongly that it was a sign that I wasn't ready to return to church. I had convinced myself of that. But when I talked to my counselor, she offered a different view, "What if God knew what was coming, and that is why he pushed you to church and pushed you to sign up for the prayer group for grief?". She said that a few times, so make sure it sunk in my stubborn head. Sigh, it makes sense, and I like how that sounds better. I did sign up to attend their prayer group for grief, and I had every intention of going, then… well, go read my "Angel Wings" poem.
Because of my counselor, I will go back to church on Sunday. I may see if my best friend wants to meet me there; that would be good for both of us right now, I think.
I do not understand why it is so hard for me to put into words how I feel about going back to church. I know why I stopped going, and my reasons are entirely justified, but you would think returning to church would be easier to describe. But it is not; it's the opposite. My best friend wanted me to tell him all about it, how it went, how I felt, etc., but I couldn’t. One, I was a little mad at him, but I still couldn’t describe it or talk about it. I could barely do that with my counselor yesterday. My best friend told me he was proud of me for walking through those doors by myself. He said he was proud of me.
I should feel happy and fulfilled and… I don't know, I should be feeling good about returning to church, but I don't. Granted, it was only one day, but shouldn’t I feel… something? Until my counselor said what she said yesterday, I mainly felt negative about going, but now, I don't think I feel anything at all. It could be the built-up of grief, feeling ashamed, scared of losing my best friend (read "Angel Wings"), or feeling heartbroken; there is really a laundry list of emotions right now. I can only imagine how he is feeling, and he has pushed me away, which also adds to my feelings. I want so much for us to comfort each other, I think it would help us both, but right now, he wants space and time and I get that, but I don't think that’s the right call. I feel like we should be leaning on each other and maybe even going to church together, I don’t know. I can't and won't push for him to talk to me, that will only make things worse right now, but we need to talk about this eventually.
So there is it, I think? I am all over the place, which is understandable. I will go back to church on Sunday; hopefully, he will come with me; if not, at least I'm trying.
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